I wrote this in the spring of 2009 as I was coming out of one of the worst moments of my life. I'm posting this again because I believe that God has and is continuing to use my story to reach people. Feel free to share this with anyone you know dealing with depression. Most of all pray for them and LISTEN to them.
Just a heads up, this is long but I hope it will bring encouragement to someone out there. Here goes. So, this has been probably the most painful, heartbreaking, and darkest, yet AMAZING 3 months of my life. Without going into anymore detail, all I can say is that God has become more real to me now than ever before. Funny huh? Like He stops being real at certain times? Of course not, but it feels like that sometimes doesnt it? I know that I am not the only one in the world who's felt this. I've always been one of those guys who HAS TO have all the answers when it comes to God. Ive never liked the "blanket theories" or been satisfied with the "just believe" answers. I'll be honest with you, I started getting angry with "the church" because these were the type of answers I seemed to keep getting when I asked the hard questions that were important to me. People would tell me there are "just some questions that dont have answers so you're gonna have to just believe....." or they would just smile and shrug as if my questions didnt matter! That drove me crazy (almost literally).
These questions kept eating away at me and yet no one could point me in the right direction. It was the piling up of these unanswered questions on top of a 50 hr work week plus leading the FGA ministry, songwriting, school, leading worship at my church and being a newly wed, that the weight of life became too much. This led to my breakdown. I had a HUGE panic attack at work and my body physically and mentally shut down. I spiraled downward into a type of deep depression and later found out I had what was known as Dysthymia. Now I found myself in the "blame game" with God. How could He allow this if He truly loved me? I had never hurt so badly while at the same time feeling so numb. Those of you who have dealt with depression know exactly what I mean. It feels like no ones REALLY gets it, like they expect you to just snap out of it and quit moping around, right? I know this because that is exactly what I used to think about people who were depressed. However, now going through it I see that there are no words that fully explain how hopeless and alone one can feel. So if you are reading this and are going through a dark or depressed time in your life as well at least know this: I understand, at least to the extent one can. And if you dont yet, you will see (more imporantly) that God understands.
Now some might say,"Why wouldnt you say God understands first?" I said this the way I did because at the darkest times I didnt think He understood at all. All the "God talk" bounced off me. People would toss out things like "oh, ya Ive been there....that sucks, Ill pray for you"....which was very irritating. Anyway, I did and said a lot of things that I wished I could take back. I found myself suspicious of peoples motives when they tried to console me and wondered if anyone would EVER be able to forgive me or understand the depth of my pain. It was finally my dad who was able to get through to me. I knew he didn't have any agenda other than to help me because he loved me. Instead of trying to force 12 step programs on me or hitting me over the head with verses he had a different approach. He listened. We went on walks everyday at 9am and he let me vent without interruption. Sometimes thats all we need is to be heard. Yet, even though I now had an outlet for my anger I still was lacking the answer to my biggest question..."God where are You?" You see, I had to be completely broken. Ive heard about being "broken" over and over before but never really experienced it. If you're sitting there thinking "I think Ive been broken..." chances are you havent been, because you WILL know when it happens. I started seeing through unexplainable events that God was working. He was using my broken life to heal others all around me and ways that only He could do. And that was great, dont get me wrong, but I kept thinkin',"What about me? What about MY pain? Dont you have time to fix me too?"
If you're like me chances are you've asked God at some point in your life to do something that would show you without a doubt He is there. I didnt care if anyone else saw it the same way, I needed it for me, in the dark place I was in. And you know what? He began to show me how He was working! Im realizing each day that God is bigger than the word 'big.' In fact all of our "creature words" fall short of even describing what He's "kind of" like. He didnt follow me to the bottom of the depression, He was waiting there for me. Thats how BIG God is. I am seeing God in a new way that causes my heart to long for Him in a new way as well. What I want you to hear out of all of this is that there is hope and there will always be hope. No matter how dark or hard it gets the tunnel always has a light, it's just that if we dont see it it's probably because we're facing the wrong way. Im not writing this to try to tell you how great or weird I am. Truth is without the love of my family and friends I dont know how far away I'd be. I was broken for the first time in my life but now I am on my way to being stronger than ever before. My worship is deeper, my ego is smaller and my heart for others is big enough to break. I want to encourage you to never give up and to let God do whatever He needs to do no matter how painful it is. You'll be better for it. Finally, I want you to know there IS hope. But wait didn't you just say that? Yes, and again, if you're like me you probably let that go in one ear and out the other the first time. I needed to hear it over and over and over until I finally started to believe it. God promises "He will never leave us...", so cling to that. I know how hard it can be but the hope is in the light at the end of the tunnel and the healing is in the walking toward it. Keep walking.
Just a heads up, this is long but I hope it will bring encouragement to someone out there. Here goes. So, this has been probably the most painful, heartbreaking, and darkest, yet AMAZING 3 months of my life. Without going into anymore detail, all I can say is that God has become more real to me now than ever before. Funny huh? Like He stops being real at certain times? Of course not, but it feels like that sometimes doesnt it? I know that I am not the only one in the world who's felt this. I've always been one of those guys who HAS TO have all the answers when it comes to God. Ive never liked the "blanket theories" or been satisfied with the "just believe" answers. I'll be honest with you, I started getting angry with "the church" because these were the type of answers I seemed to keep getting when I asked the hard questions that were important to me. People would tell me there are "just some questions that dont have answers so you're gonna have to just believe....." or they would just smile and shrug as if my questions didnt matter! That drove me crazy (almost literally).
These questions kept eating away at me and yet no one could point me in the right direction. It was the piling up of these unanswered questions on top of a 50 hr work week plus leading the FGA ministry, songwriting, school, leading worship at my church and being a newly wed, that the weight of life became too much. This led to my breakdown. I had a HUGE panic attack at work and my body physically and mentally shut down. I spiraled downward into a type of deep depression and later found out I had what was known as Dysthymia. Now I found myself in the "blame game" with God. How could He allow this if He truly loved me? I had never hurt so badly while at the same time feeling so numb. Those of you who have dealt with depression know exactly what I mean. It feels like no ones REALLY gets it, like they expect you to just snap out of it and quit moping around, right? I know this because that is exactly what I used to think about people who were depressed. However, now going through it I see that there are no words that fully explain how hopeless and alone one can feel. So if you are reading this and are going through a dark or depressed time in your life as well at least know this: I understand, at least to the extent one can. And if you dont yet, you will see (more imporantly) that God understands.
Now some might say,"Why wouldnt you say God understands first?" I said this the way I did because at the darkest times I didnt think He understood at all. All the "God talk" bounced off me. People would toss out things like "oh, ya Ive been there....that sucks, Ill pray for you"....which was very irritating. Anyway, I did and said a lot of things that I wished I could take back. I found myself suspicious of peoples motives when they tried to console me and wondered if anyone would EVER be able to forgive me or understand the depth of my pain. It was finally my dad who was able to get through to me. I knew he didn't have any agenda other than to help me because he loved me. Instead of trying to force 12 step programs on me or hitting me over the head with verses he had a different approach. He listened. We went on walks everyday at 9am and he let me vent without interruption. Sometimes thats all we need is to be heard. Yet, even though I now had an outlet for my anger I still was lacking the answer to my biggest question..."God where are You?" You see, I had to be completely broken. Ive heard about being "broken" over and over before but never really experienced it. If you're sitting there thinking "I think Ive been broken..." chances are you havent been, because you WILL know when it happens. I started seeing through unexplainable events that God was working. He was using my broken life to heal others all around me and ways that only He could do. And that was great, dont get me wrong, but I kept thinkin',"What about me? What about MY pain? Dont you have time to fix me too?"
If you're like me chances are you've asked God at some point in your life to do something that would show you without a doubt He is there. I didnt care if anyone else saw it the same way, I needed it for me, in the dark place I was in. And you know what? He began to show me how He was working! Im realizing each day that God is bigger than the word 'big.' In fact all of our "creature words" fall short of even describing what He's "kind of" like. He didnt follow me to the bottom of the depression, He was waiting there for me. Thats how BIG God is. I am seeing God in a new way that causes my heart to long for Him in a new way as well. What I want you to hear out of all of this is that there is hope and there will always be hope. No matter how dark or hard it gets the tunnel always has a light, it's just that if we dont see it it's probably because we're facing the wrong way. Im not writing this to try to tell you how great or weird I am. Truth is without the love of my family and friends I dont know how far away I'd be. I was broken for the first time in my life but now I am on my way to being stronger than ever before. My worship is deeper, my ego is smaller and my heart for others is big enough to break. I want to encourage you to never give up and to let God do whatever He needs to do no matter how painful it is. You'll be better for it. Finally, I want you to know there IS hope. But wait didn't you just say that? Yes, and again, if you're like me you probably let that go in one ear and out the other the first time. I needed to hear it over and over and over until I finally started to believe it. God promises "He will never leave us...", so cling to that. I know how hard it can be but the hope is in the light at the end of the tunnel and the healing is in the walking toward it. Keep walking.
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